FINDING THE BALANCE

Here I sit 2 days shy of the two year anniversary of my husband's death.  I am happy.  My kids are happy, I watch them laugh and carry-on and I take credit for that.  I feel like it's been my job to teach them that it is okay to be happy and yet still grieve at the same time.  It's balance.

Balance was something that came to me while I was enjoying my quiet house today (something which I NEVER thought I would enjoy), I still struggle with finding the balance.  It is something that shifts everyday and it's not always grief or happiness that sits at either end of the balance beam.  It is just life.

Demands placed on us everyday from different aspects, the wants, the needs and the fulfillment of those make balance a difficult thing to find.  There are certain areas of my life that have drastically changed over the last 2 years, I have learned to re-prioritize to help find the balance I need.

For awhile, I struggled to find the balance between getting up everyday and taking care of the kids and not spending all of my day crying, screaming or just being angry.  I was trying to manage work, kids, house, dogs, etc...it was all too much.   I lost so many things the day my husband died, the list would be endless, I tried to be all those things I shared with him. I tried to keep things as normal as I could for the kids and I, needless to say, all I did was stress myself out.

The stressed-out me made some changes, I learned to establish the difference between wants and needs.  What we "have" to do versus what we "want" to do and what "really needs" to be done.  I think the best example I can give is that my house does not need to be museum quality clean everyday but doing something for myself does.  It's hard as a mom/wife/girlfriend to do things for ourselves and not feel guilty.  I'm not talking about an all day "time for myself", just an hour or so and it doesn't matter when.  It is important to plan the time so that it doesn't go wasted on Facebook or talking to a friend on the phone (unless that time is planned! ;)).  I know I have found that a lot of our time goes wasted, I can be really good at it.  Which brings me back to balance, a good plan for the day, factoring a little time for ourselves and counting our blessings can make that walk across the beam a little easier.

Today, I am making my to-do list and prioritizing it.  I know that I have some planned gym-time in my future and I am counting that as my "me" time.  I have learned that my to-do list does not have to be a mile long and if it is, I need to be sure to keep it in balance with my real expectations.

I feel like I got a re-do on life.  I've learned so much about myself and others.  I have a whole new appreciation for the little things and not being so controlling.  I've learned to let things go.  It's tough to find the balance for appreciating life and the grief of losing someone.  I'm not saying I'm always at my best, I try my best.  I am a very clear "work-in-progress" woman with that walk across the balance beam getting easier everyday.

New Shoes = Motivation

Two and a half weeks ago I registered for the Suntrust half marathon.  I hadn't told that many of my friends, really, only three.  I started to put up road blocks even before I registered. Could I really do it?  Did I really want to?  It was the last thing Mark was training for before he died, I'd have that as a back up excuse, people would believe I just couldn't do it, too emotional.  I'd bought new shoes as a motivator and even those I'd had for a week.  I'd kept telling myself there was "too much going on".

As it turns out, I've been reading this book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens.  I know I'm not a teen.  I'm reading it as part of a summer reading project for Madison (it was suggested the parents read it, too).   Before I even got to the chapter that started about"The Habits", it talked about having a Personal Bank Account, ways to make deposits and withdrawals within ourselves.  On the list ways to make "deposits" were simple things like being honest, being kind, renew yourself, etc. and I have no problem doing those things.  The one that got me was "Keep promises to yourself".  Wow.  Something that simple.  Waking up everyday and setting out doing what you say you are going to do.  It's such a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and a great way to "make deposits into our personal bank accounts".  Our commitments mean nothing if we can't even keep them to ourselves.

It made me think about all the other books I've read and how you have to make yourself a priority, take care of you.  You are the only one who can make yourself happy, no one else.  I can't think of a better way to start the day then starting off making a deposit into your personal bank account.  Just doing what you said you were going to do.  It could be as simple as waking up when you say or not hitting snooze more than twice, or going for a run!

So, on my 3 mile run this morning, I thought about my inspirations.  I have people who inspire me to be greater and those people are people who are happy and follow through.  They get up every morning and set out to accomplish exactly what they want to accomplish and in the process, they make deposits and become better people, happy people.

It may not have been a great run this morning but it was a start, I can only get better.  And as I looked over at the shadow running next to me, I was reminded that that girl was strong and happy.  She could do anything she wanted, even run 13.1 miles.

Be accountable to yourself, first.  Don't be a victim.  Take charge of your life.  Be happy.

FULL OF LOVE FEBRUARY

“As the ocean is never full of water, so is the heart never full of love”  ~Unknown

A LITTLE LESS WORRY

Today I woke up thinking about how anxious and nervous I had always been.  It's crazy.  I would get so worked up over just about everything.  It would affect my sleep and I could be overwhelmingly OCD about things.  For example, I was thinking about this coming weekend.  I'm heading to Norfolk with one of my best friends to see one of my favorite musicians.  Normally, I would have directions printed out, the name of the hotel we are staying at and all my ducks in a row, neatly in a folder on the dining room table.  I would worry about leaving the kids and preparing them for wherever they may be staying for the night.  Instructions on how to care for them all written out and bags in the process of being packed.  None of that is done and it probably won't be until Friday morning.  And, there will be no instructions and everything will be just fine.  I will get a good night's sleep every night and not worry.

In the past 18 months I think it's the one thing that sticks out the most.  The lack of worry.  Don't get me wrong, I still worry over little things even though I try not to.  I get less anxious and less nervous about things.  I think when the absolute worst-case-scenario happens to you, it's one of the blessings on the flip side.  I spent my whole life worrying about the "what-ifs" and it did me no good.  I get to enjoy life a little more.  I get to be a little calmer and a lot more relaxed.  Everything is okay and just as it should be.

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.  ~Swedish Proverb

So, today, as I make my daily "to-do" list, I don't stress that everything might not get done.  I do my best, keep moving forward and enjoy the small things.

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY

"Happiness is to be found along the way, not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it is too late. Today, this hour, this minute is the day, the hour, the minute for each of us to sense the fact that life is good, with all of its trials and troubles, and perhaps more interesting because of them." — Robert R. Updegraff

FEBRUARY IS FULL OF LOVE

LOVE

 "Accept the things to which fate binds you and love the people with whom fate brings you together but do so with all your heart." ~Marcus Aurelius

LOVE

"With love, even the rocks will open." ~ Hazret Inayat Khan

Just a thought for today.  Go out into the day and just love everything and everyone in it with no exceptions. 

ANXIOUS

This morning I'm just anxious, for a lot of reasons.  Lots of other mixed emotions going on, too....bitter, hurt, angry....keep coming up and I don't like those at all.  Glad I have counseling today! I tend to feel slightly off and a little not-so-sane before I go and then magically all is put into perspective and I leave feeling centered and balanced.  I think sometimes we get so stuck in our own heads and need to work through our thoughts and feelings.  In the past, I have strictly relied on friends (as do most of us) to work through things, be our sounding boards.  Anyway, I guess my point is, don't let how you feel get the best of you, talk your way through it....with someone.....find your center and balance....your happy. 

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony. Thomas Merton 

FULL STEAM AHEAD

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa!  It is so strange to me how I can be so "full steam ahead" like it's nobody's business and a phone call can stop me in my tracks.  A simple message from a good friend and I've been sitting on the message for a full week, unable to return the phone call.  I just can't seem to dial the numbers.  This friend was someone who came into my and Mark's life at the same time.  I'm unsure if I talked to this person in the first few months after Mark died, those first few months being one huge blur.  And, now, so much time has gone by it just seems that it brings up so many memories, it's another hurdle for me, another reminder of what's gone.  Mark was a huge piece of our friendship.  We would laugh at the trials and tribulations of marriage and the "bickering" Mark and I would do.  Mark thought the world of her, one of the nicest and most genuine people he'd met, and I'd have to agree. 

I know this friend will understand when I finally call her back.  I just have to prepare myself, emotionally.  I hate that.  I hate that at even the thought of calling, I can feel the tears stinging.  I know she would understand and I know it's a hurdle I can jump over.  I've jumped this very same hurdle a million other times and it never gets any easier.  I will definitely call, soon. 

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at it destination full of hope. ~Maya Angelou

ONE STEP AT A TIME

Do not be overwhelmed.

This is a time of great change.

Observe. Be Aware. Be Alert.
Take one step at a time.

Follow what is in your heart.

You will understand what your direction is to be.

Truth, Simplicity and Love

is the guide for living in this world.

Observe change through the teachings of

Truth, Simplicity and Love.

The unreal cannot overwhelm the real.

— Babaji

CLEANING AND PURGING

I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning and purging.  This purging thing is feeling so good.  I'm truly amazed at all the stuff that has accumulated.  All the stuff that "I had to have" or the "kids needed" and then there is all the stuff I have some sort of emotional attachment to.

I honestly feel like I'm tearing down walls.  Walls that have been up for a very long time. Walls that made me stubborn and controlling.  I also feel like I'm preparing myself for "what's next?".  It's just good.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still like to shop, I still like "stuff". A new outfit, shoes or pocketbook will always put a smile on my face!  I'm just coming to terms with what I really need and what I really want and what truly makes me happy.

"You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy." ~  Eric Hoffer

KINDRED SOULS

Last night was the best time I had had in awhile.  Great conversation.  One of those where you think you are not going to get it all out.  So much to talk about, so much in common.  Another friend (from high school, no less) on the same journey and a different path had lead her there.  It seems these people keep coming into my life.  I almost cried some happy tears on the way home, instead I belted out some Sugarland, just happy.   I really am learning from these kindred souls that keep coming into my life.  I love hearing their stories and how they got there.  I love how positive and easy-going they are.  Yes, I'm well aware that we are all not positive and easy-going 100% of the time, but we make conservative efforts to be. I'm turning a page in my book, reaching out to those who I have so much in common with.  Those who give me goose bumps just listening to them.

It wasn't that long ago another friend said that "if you have an instinct to call or text or email, you shouldn't hesitate". And, "life is too short of time and true friends." It's true, nothing should stop you.  If it makes you feel good, just do it.  I'm so thankful my friend and I reconnected last night and only because she had sent me a message....and it really just had to do with her blog.  I read a few entries and was blown away!  I'm hoping it leads to many more wonderful conversations and many more glasses of wine.

I ended my day, crawling into bed with my ear buds in, on the phone with another truly wonderful friend that brings out the positive and the easy.  And I thought to myself, life really is just as it should be, at this very moment.  A good feeling to go to bed with. 

So today I encourage you to reach out, lasso in someone who's on their way to finding their true self and just being happy.  You won't be disappointed.

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis

ALONE

Just now starting to appreciate being "alone".  Actually, the realization came to me a few months ago.  I think it's my time to reboot, re-energize, think and just be.  I like being alone in my thoughts, I like having time to think.  I've also come to realize how strong I am and how much I can do, alone.  I'm amazed everyday at the things I have done, the things I can do.  There was a time that I was so angry that I would accomplish something that was one of Mark's chores and I couldn't fully appreciate that I could do it all by myself.   I'm not saying I like doing it all alone, I'm saying that I've come to appreciate that I can.  It's one of the many lessons Mark's death has taught me.  I'm stronger than I ever imagined. I can be alone and be just fine. 


"I restore myself when I'm alone." ~Marilyn Monroe

NEW DAY

I had a few thoughts about what I wanted to write about today.  Then it all changed, I sat down and turned on the computer and opened up Pandora and the very first song was Corey Smith's "New Day" (http://youtu.be/YZze_qh13ok).  I like it when you hear things and it can change your perspective.  I truly believe I needed that song this morning. 

Everyday is a new day.  We can accomplish whatever we want.  We can start again.  It's a beautiful thing.  So, that's it, my good thought for today.  Happy Sunday!


"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend or a meaningful days."~Dalai Lama

I WANT TO SCREAM!

Today, so far, has been a good day.  I've gotten exactly what I've wanted.  I met my Mom for coffee and a good long hug and a great conversation.  I had a great workout and renewed my membership at the gym for another year, at the price I wanted (it's been an ordeal).  Oh! And, before my day even started I went over to my neighbors house for what I'm hoping will turn into our "Friday Morning Chats". I also have plans to have some great laughs tonight with a great group of people.  Just good stuff. 

So, why is it when everything seems to be going so well I still just want to scream?  I'm having one of those days, maybe I need to head back to the gym for a nice high intensity run. But, what I really want to do is scream and I'm not sure why.  I'm feeling a little mad/angry today.  And, I've been digging deep all morning trying to figure it out. 

I know there is a lot going on right now.  Things are changing and shifting.  I think there is the part of me that is still "change-resistant".  Maybe that's what has me troubled.

Either way around it, the run at the gym sounds promising. Music blaring, promising. 

 

Thoughts On Life, Mother Teresa (1910-1997)
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is a beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it,
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it.

PATIENCE

"Patience is a virtue."  "Good things come to those who wait." ~ Great quotes....but, seriously?  I am not a patient person.  I've always been one to jump right in, both feet and figure it all out.  It has not always worked out best for me. I've made some pretty ridiculous decisions.  It's okay, I've learned.  I'm still learning "patience"...this is hard for me.  I like how being patient gives me time to contemplate and compare.  It's bleeding over into every aspect of my life.  My house, my relationships, my kids, myself.

I used to consider myself a "decision maker", I would make a decision (usually an impatient one) and just stick to it, because I had made a decision.  I was hell bent and determined not to be wrong and to control whatever was going on.  I can't control people with my decisions.  I can't use the excuse "It was my decision and that's what I'm sticking to."  Patience is making me open to suggestions. The more I talk about things, the more input and insight I gain. 

With my house:  I've been working on my house and it's killing me because I just want things done.  I want it all fixed and pretty, right now.  I have slowed down, taking my time with painting, getting quotes for the work I can't do myself and just pacing myself. 

With my relationships:  I've always jumped two feet in and made it work (or tried to).  I don't want to settle to have just anyone in my life.  This part of my life is so difficult for me, I'm a hopeless romantic.  Would love to have someone sweep me off my feet and that be the end of it.  I'm beginning to realize that I still can be swept off my feet and be patient.  Taking my time, truly getting to know someone and making sure you were each other's decision can't be wrong.  After all, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right? 

With my kids:  Wow!  Patience with my kids.....does anyone really have that?!  I'm learning.  I'm letting them figure out who they are and not who I want them to be.  It's really hard with a teenager.  I can't help but to realize that when I back away, stop trying to control, she is amazing.  Smart, bright, beautiful and amazingly creative.  I just have to let her grow.  I'm learning to let my youngest just explore.  Yep, he has a pocket knife and I let him run and play outside and just be a boy.  I don't check on him every 15 minutes or even every hour.  That is HUGE for me. 

With myself:   I'm kinder and more patient with myself.  I'm learning to find myself and love myself.  It takes time.  I'll keep reading, keep discovering. 

So, as I head out into the day, I'm going to remember that "Good things come to those who wait."  I'll practice patience and hope that one day it will come naturally to me.   

NORMAL

Today I just feel normal.  Kids off to school. Pot roast in the crock-pot.  Paying bills, painting the kitchen and studying on tap.  It just feels good.  Almost want to cry,  I like feeling this normal. 

It truly is hard to believe that a year ago I could not have imagined feeling the way I do today.  My kids were the only reason I got out of bed every morning.  Even then, it was hard.  Sometimes I would send them off to school and go right back to bed, pull the covers over my head and just cry.  Sometimes, I would stand in the middle of my  house and just scream.  Sometimes, I would work and "pretend" to be normal.  Sometimes, I would call friends and ask them to have coffee or lunch with me, just so I would leave the house and lie about how good I felt, crying the whole way home.  Somewhere in there it all started to change.  More often than not I would leave the house.  Thank goodness for the gym (it got me out of the house) and my wanting to change absolutely everything, because it started with me. 

I can't say all the changes I have made have been good.  The best part is that what doesn't work, I can simply change it all over again.  Which brings me to how I feel today, normal.  My house seems to still be finding it's balance.  I just know that we cry and scream less, adjust, love and talk more. 

So, today, even feeling "normal", I am mourning the loss of my Granny.   My Granny could clean crabs while they were still alive, make the best chicken salad, fried flounder and cook any vegetable known to man.  She was always honest and sweet.  I don't think I ever heard her say a harsh word to anyone. I spent countless weeks with her on Topsail Island.  I remember her catching me kissing a boy one summer and all she said was "I think that's enough, time to come in."  It was always just that easy and simple with her.  She will be missed.  <3

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." ~ Havelock Ellis

TIMING

It seems that I've been so in touch with my feelings and how I want to feel that I overlooked a few things.  I overlooked staying in the present.  I was thinking about what I wanted and thought I needed. I was worried about what might happen and how it may make me feel.  The funny part was I didn't realize I was doing it.  Had to remind myself (actually, a friend reminded me) to slow down, take one day at a time and just enjoy. 

One thing that has become a recurring theme with me is "Timing is Everything".  When you really pay attention to what's in front of you and go with your gut, timing is everything.  I'm putting things, thoughts, ideas into the universe and letting go....it will only come back to me when the timing is right.  I know that sounds a little hokie, but I believe it's true, especially if you pay attention.  I've had some amazing things happen and they will continue to happen. I just need to slow down.

 Four weeks ago I watched the movie "County Strong" and  I couldn't help loving these lyrics (or it could be Garrett Hedlund singing them)....

"You can call it fate
Or destiny
Sometimes it really seems like its a mystery
Cause you can be hurt by love
Or healed by the same
Timing is everything"

~Timing is Everything

CHANGE

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide

The past two weeks, despite having the flu, I have found myself being super productive.  I've been putting my list in place working towards what I really want and where I really want to be.  Funny that I don't have a real clue as to what I want or where I want to be, just how I want to feel when I get there.  I've been painting the den and kitchen, and it has been super meditative.  Loads of time to think and process all the changes that have happened and the changes to come.  I don't think I have ever been more open to change.  Opening myself up to all possibilities, opening my heart to the world and just be me.  Change is a scary thing.  It shakes up your world.  My world has certainly been shaken, and as I continue to keep shaking it up, the kids and I will be happy.  Nothing ever stays the same.  Accept changes, work with them, through them.  Open yourself up to all the possibilities.  Life is what you make it.

JUST A GOOD QUOTE

This is from Eat, Pray, Love:

"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "the Physics of The Quest"- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum.  And the the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this:

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments and set out on a truth seeking journey (either externally or internally) and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared-most of all-to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself...then the truth will not be withheld from you." 

Or so I've come to believe."

~I just love this.  I feel like I'm on my journey.  It feels pretty awesome. 

HAPPY

I was talking to a very dear friend last night.  One of those few people in my life who just seem to "get it".  My favorite book always comes up (The Four Agreements) and I had forgotten it was one of hers, too. Basically, it is as simple as this:  1)  Be impeccable with your word, 2) Don't take anything personally, 3) Don't make assumptions, and 4) Always do your best.  I read this book back in early spring, it was the catalyst to many other incredible books, all life-changing for me.  I was trying to pinpoint the time when I felt like I had changed.  There really wasn't a time, it was all a process and still is.  I know that I am happier and calmer and less angry.  I try to find something everyday to just be happy about a/k/a "silver linings".  I still have my moments of anger and I still have my moments of sadness.  Even in those I try to remember to learn something from them. I no longer worry about what others think.  I take care of myself, first.  I've realized we are responsible for our own happiness. I have made a list of "What I Want",  it is basically of list of where I want to be and what will make me happy.  So many of the things on my list are things I have to work towards, but I know I will be happy even working towards those goals.   Finding your "happy" isn't easy, but it is totally worth it! 

SNUGGLES

Last night as I was curled up on the couch I heard some little feet coming down the steps.  It was late, 11:30 or so.  Reese poked his little head around the corner and said "Sorry, Mom", he'd gotten in trouble and sent to bed early.  Then he asked "Can I snuggle?"  I lifted the blanket and let him in.  I curled my little man up and hugged him hard.  He's not so little anymore, I swear he grows an inch everyday.  As I sat there snuggling him, he fell back asleep, I couldn't help but think about all the times I would be up late and when I'd go to bed, Reese would be in my spot, Mark laying next to him.  At that moment I thought about how Reese will never have another man love him as much as his Dad.  He will never have another man hug him and give him all that love.  Reese was always in our bed from the time he was born.  We did our best as parents to put him in his crib, his own bed, but Mark always said, "He just likes being close to his peeps." On those nights I would find Reese in my spot, I would just go sleep in his bed.  Last night I pulled Reese a little closer, hugged him a little harder.  I know I can't replace Mark, I know that I can't be Reese's dad, but, I can be the best mom I can be.  I can snuggle him when he needs it.