Monday, January 30, 2012

ONE STEP AT A TIME


Do not be overwhelmed.
This is a time of great change.

Observe. Be Aware. Be Alert.
Take one step at a time.

Follow what is in your heart.



You will understand what your direction is to be.
Truth, Simplicity and Love
is the guide for living in this world.
Observe change through the teachings of
Truth, Simplicity and Love.
The unreal cannot overwhelm the real.

— Babaji

Saturday, January 28, 2012

CLEANING AND PURGING

I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning and purging.  This purging thing is feeling so good.  I'm truly amazed at all the stuff that has accumulated.  All the stuff that "I had to have" or the "kids needed" and then there is all the stuff I have some sort of emotional attachment to.

I honestly feel like I'm tearing down walls.  Walls that have been up for a very long time. Walls that made me stubborn and controlling.  I also feel like I'm preparing myself for "what's next?".  It's just good.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still like to shop, I still like "stuff". A new outfit, shoes or pocketbook will always put a smile on my face!  I'm just coming to terms with what I really need and what I really want and what truly makes me happy.


"You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy." ~  Eric Hoffer

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

KINDRED SOULS

Last night was the best time I had had in awhile.  Great conversation.  One of those where you think you are not going to get it all out.  So much to talk about, so much in common.  Another friend (from high school, no less) on the same journey and a different path had lead her there.  It seems these people keep coming into my life.  I almost cried some happy tears on the way home, instead I belted out some Sugarland, just happy.   I really am learning from these kindred souls that keep coming into my life.  I love hearing their stories and how they got there.  I love how positive and easy-going they are.  Yes, I'm well aware that we are all not positive and easy-going 100% of the time, but we make conservative efforts to be. I'm turning a page in my book, reaching out to those who I have so much in common with.  Those who give me goose bumps just listening to them.

It wasn't that long ago another friend said that "if you have an instinct to call or text or email, you shouldn't hesitate". And, "life is too short of time and true friends." It's true, nothing should stop you.  If it makes you feel good, just do it.  I'm so thankful my friend and I reconnected last night and only because she had sent me a message....and it really just had to do with her blog.  I read a few entries and was blown away!  I'm hoping it leads to many more wonderful conversations and many more glasses of wine.

I ended my day, crawling into bed with my ear buds in, on the phone with another truly wonderful friend that brings out the positive and the easy.  And I thought to myself, life really is just as it should be, at this very moment.  A good feeling to go to bed with. 

So today I encourage you to reach out, lasso in someone who's on their way to finding their true self and just being happy.  You won't be disappointed.


"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival." - C. S. Lewis

Monday, January 23, 2012

ALONE

Just now starting to appreciate being "alone".  Actually, the realization came to me a few months ago.  I think it's my time to reboot, re-energize, think and just be.  I like being alone in my thoughts, I like having time to think.  I've also come to realize how strong I am and how much I can do, alone.  I'm amazed everyday at the things I have done, the things I can do.  There was a time that I was so angry that I would accomplish something that was one of Mark's chores and I couldn't fully appreciate that I could do it all by myself.   I'm not saying I like doing it all alone, I'm saying that I've come to appreciate that I can.  It's one of the many lessons Mark's death has taught me.  I'm stronger than I ever imagined. I can be alone and be just fine. 


"I restore myself when I'm alone." ~Marilyn Monroe

Sunday, January 22, 2012

NEW DAY

I had a few thoughts about what I wanted to write about today.  Then it all changed, I sat down and turned on the computer and opened up Pandora and the very first song was Corey Smith's "New Day" (http://youtu.be/YZze_qh13ok).  I like it when you hear things and it can change your perspective.  I truly believe I needed that song this morning. 

Everyday is a new day.  We can accomplish whatever we want.  We can start again.  It's a beautiful thing.  So, that's it, my good thought for today.  Happy Sunday!


"Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend or a meaningful days."~Dalai Lama

Friday, January 20, 2012

I WANT TO SCREAM!

Today, so far, has been a good day.  I've gotten exactly what I've wanted.  I met my Mom for coffee and a good long hug and a great conversation.  I had a great workout and renewed my membership at the gym for another year, at the price I wanted (it's been an ordeal).  Oh! And, before my day even started I went over to my neighbors house for what I'm hoping will turn into our "Friday Morning Chats". I also have plans to have some great laughs tonight with a great group of people.  Just good stuff. 

So, why is it when everything seems to be going so well I still just want to scream?  I'm having one of those days, maybe I need to head back to the gym for a nice high intensity run. But, what I really want to do is scream and I'm not sure why.  I'm feeling a little mad/angry today.  And, I've been digging deep all morning trying to figure it out. 

I know there is a lot going on right now.  Things are changing and shifting.  I think there is the part of me that is still "change-resistant".  Maybe that's what has me troubled.

Either way around it, the run at the gym sounds promising. Music blaring, promising. 

 
Thoughts On Life, Mother Teresa (1910-1997)
Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is a beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it,
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

PATIENCE

"Patience is a virtue."  "Good things come to those who wait." ~ Great quotes....but, seriously?  I am not a patient person.  I've always been one to jump right in, both feet and figure it all out.  It has not always worked out best for me. I've made some pretty ridiculous decisions.  It's okay, I've learned.  I'm still learning "patience"...this is hard for me.  I like how being patient gives me time to contemplate and compare.  It's bleeding over into every aspect of my life.  My house, my relationships, my kids, myself.

I used to consider myself a "decision maker", I would make a decision (usually an impatient one) and just stick to it, because I had made a decision.  I was hell bent and determined not to be wrong and to control whatever was going on.  I can't control people with my decisions.  I can't use the excuse "It was my decision and that's what I'm sticking to."  Patience is making me open to suggestions. The more I talk about things, the more input and insight I gain. 

With my house:  I've been working on my house and it's killing me because I just want things done.  I want it all fixed and pretty, right now.  I have slowed down, taking my time with painting, getting quotes for the work I can't do myself and just pacing myself. 

With my relationships:  I've always jumped two feet in and made it work (or tried to).  I don't want to settle to have just anyone in my life.  This part of my life is so difficult for me, I'm a hopeless romantic.  Would love to have someone sweep me off my feet and that be the end of it.  I'm beginning to realize that I still can be swept off my feet and be patient.  Taking my time, truly getting to know someone and making sure you were each other's decision can't be wrong.  After all, you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right? 

With my kids:  Wow!  Patience with my kids.....does anyone really have that?!  I'm learning.  I'm letting them figure out who they are and not who I want them to be.  It's really hard with a teenager.  I can't help but to realize that when I back away, stop trying to control, she is amazing.  Smart, bright, beautiful and amazingly creative.  I just have to let her grow.  I'm learning to let my youngest just explore.  Yep, he has a pocket knife and I let him run and play outside and just be a boy.  I don't check on him every 15 minutes or even every hour.  That is HUGE for me. 

With myself:   I'm kinder and more patient with myself.  I'm learning to find myself and love myself.  It takes time.  I'll keep reading, keep discovering. 

So, as I head out into the day, I'm going to remember that "Good things come to those who wait."  I'll practice patience and hope that one day it will come naturally to me.   

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

NORMAL

Today I just feel normal.  Kids off to school. Pot roast in the crock-pot.  Paying bills, painting the kitchen and studying on tap.  It just feels good.  Almost want to cry,  I like feeling this normal. 

It truly is hard to believe that a year ago I could not have imagined feeling the way I do today.  My kids were the only reason I got out of bed every morning.  Even then, it was hard.  Sometimes I would send them off to school and go right back to bed, pull the covers over my head and just cry.  Sometimes, I would stand in the middle of my  house and just scream.  Sometimes, I would work and "pretend" to be normal.  Sometimes, I would call friends and ask them to have coffee or lunch with me, just so I would leave the house and lie about how good I felt, crying the whole way home.  Somewhere in there it all started to change.  More often than not I would leave the house.  Thank goodness for the gym (it got me out of the house) and my wanting to change absolutely everything, because it started with me. 

I can't say all the changes I have made have been good.  The best part is that what doesn't work, I can simply change it all over again.  Which brings me to how I feel today, normal.  My house seems to still be finding it's balance.  I just know that we cry and scream less, adjust, love and talk more. 

So, today, even feeling "normal", I am mourning the loss of my Granny.   My Granny could clean crabs while they were still alive, make the best chicken salad, fried flounder and cook any vegetable known to man.  She was always honest and sweet.  I don't think I ever heard her say a harsh word to anyone. I spent countless weeks with her on Topsail Island.  I remember her catching me kissing a boy one summer and all she said was "I think that's enough, time to come in."  It was always just that easy and simple with her.  She will be missed.  <3

"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." ~ Havelock Ellis

Monday, January 16, 2012

TIMING

It seems that I've been so in touch with my feelings and how I want to feel that I overlooked a few things.  I overlooked staying in the present.  I was thinking about what I wanted and thought I needed. I was worried about what might happen and how it may make me feel.  The funny part was I didn't realize I was doing it.  Had to remind myself (actually, a friend reminded me) to slow down, take one day at a time and just enjoy. 

One thing that has become a recurring theme with me is "Timing is Everything".  When you really pay attention to what's in front of you and go with your gut, timing is everything.  I'm putting things, thoughts, ideas into the universe and letting go....it will only come back to me when the timing is right.  I know that sounds a little hokie, but I believe it's true, especially if you pay attention.  I've had some amazing things happen and they will continue to happen. I just need to slow down.

 Four weeks ago I watched the movie "County Strong" and  I couldn't help loving these lyrics (or it could be Garrett Hedlund singing them)....

"You can call it fate
Or destiny
Sometimes it really seems like its a mystery
Cause you can be hurt by love
Or healed by the same
Timing is everything"

~Timing is Everything

Saturday, January 14, 2012

CHANGE

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” -Andre Gide

The past two weeks, despite having the flu, I have found myself being super productive.  I've been putting my list in place working towards what I really want and where I really want to be.  Funny that I don't have a real clue as to what I want or where I want to be, just how I want to feel when I get there.  I've been painting the den and kitchen, and it has been super meditative.  Loads of time to think and process all the changes that have happened and the changes to come.  I don't think I have ever been more open to change.  Opening myself up to all possibilities, opening my heart to the world and just be me.  Change is a scary thing.  It shakes up your world.  My world has certainly been shaken, and as I continue to keep shaking it up, the kids and I will be happy.  Nothing ever stays the same.  Accept changes, work with them, through them.  Open yourself up to all the possibilities.  Life is what you make it.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

JUST A GOOD QUOTE

This is from Eat, Pray, Love:

"I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call "the Physics of The Quest"- a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum.  And the the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this:

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments and set out on a truth seeking journey (either externally or internally) and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared-most of all-to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself...then the truth will not be withheld from you." 

Or so I've come to believe."

~I just love this.  I feel like I'm on my journey.  It feels pretty awesome. 

Saturday, January 7, 2012

HAPPY

I was talking to a very dear friend last night.  One of those few people in my life who just seem to "get it".  My favorite book always comes up (The Four Agreements) and I had forgotten it was one of hers, too. Basically, it is as simple as this:  1)  Be impeccable with your word, 2) Don't take anything personally, 3) Don't make assumptions, and 4) Always do your best.  I read this book back in early spring, it was the catalyst to many other incredible books, all life-changing for me.  I was trying to pinpoint the time when I felt like I had changed.  There really wasn't a time, it was all a process and still is.  I know that I am happier and calmer and less angry.  I try to find something everyday to just be happy about a/k/a "silver linings".  I still have my moments of anger and I still have my moments of sadness.  Even in those I try to remember to learn something from them. I no longer worry about what others think.  I take care of myself, first.  I've realized we are responsible for our own happiness. I have made a list of "What I Want",  it is basically of list of where I want to be and what will make me happy.  So many of the things on my list are things I have to work towards, but I know I will be happy even working towards those goals.   Finding your "happy" isn't easy, but it is totally worth it! 

Friday, January 6, 2012

SNUGGLES

Last night as I was curled up on the couch I heard some little feet coming down the steps.  It was late, 11:30 or so.  Reese poked his little head around the corner and said "Sorry, Mom", he'd gotten in trouble and sent to bed early.  Then he asked "Can I snuggle?"  I lifted the blanket and let him in.  I curled my little man up and hugged him hard.  He's not so little anymore, I swear he grows an inch everyday.  As I sat there snuggling him, he fell back asleep, I couldn't help but think about all the times I would be up late and when I'd go to bed, Reese would be in my spot, Mark laying next to him.  At that moment I thought about how Reese will never have another man love him as much as his Dad.  He will never have another man hug him and give him all that love.  Reese was always in our bed from the time he was born.  We did our best as parents to put him in his crib, his own bed, but Mark always said, "He just likes being close to his peeps." On those nights I would find Reese in my spot, I would just go sleep in his bed.  Last night I pulled Reese a little closer, hugged him a little harder.  I know I can't replace Mark, I know that I can't be Reese's dad, but, I can be the best mom I can be.  I can snuggle him when he needs it.