Today I just feel normal. Kids off to school. Pot roast in the crock-pot. Paying bills, painting the kitchen and studying on tap. It just feels good. Almost want to cry, I like feeling this normal.
It truly is hard to believe that a year ago I could not have imagined feeling the way I do today. My kids were the only reason I got out of bed every morning. Even then, it was hard. Sometimes I would send them off to school and go right back to bed, pull the covers over my head and just cry. Sometimes, I would stand in the middle of my house and just scream. Sometimes, I would work and "pretend" to be normal. Sometimes, I would call friends and ask them to have coffee or lunch with me, just so I would leave the house and lie about how good I felt, crying the whole way home. Somewhere in there it all started to change. More often than not I would leave the house. Thank goodness for the gym (it got me out of the house) and my wanting to change absolutely everything, because it started with me.
I can't say all the changes I have made have been good. The best part is that what doesn't work, I can simply change it all over again. Which brings me to how I feel today, normal. My house seems to still be finding it's balance. I just know that we cry and scream less, adjust, love and talk more.
So, today, even feeling "normal", I am mourning the loss of my Granny. My Granny could clean crabs while they were still alive, make the best chicken salad, fried flounder and cook any vegetable known to man. She was always honest and sweet. I don't think I ever heard her say a harsh word to anyone. I spent countless weeks with her on Topsail Island. I remember her catching me kissing a boy one summer and all she said was "I think that's enough, time to come in." It was always just that easy and simple with her. She will be missed. <3
"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." ~ Havelock Ellis