DEAR CB

I miss sharing with you.
I miss coffee.
I miss so much.
I'm tired of crying.  They say tears heal and all they do is make me miss you more.

We were so honest.
We were so communicative.
I loved waking up in your arms or mine around you.
I loved the way you would touch me when we slept.
They way you held my hand everywhere.
The way you would walk quietly downstairs in the mornings.
The kiss I always got followed by a "good morning".  The kiss I always got, period.

I miss your laugh.
I miss laughing with you.
I miss your singing, your guitar playing, your music.

I feel like you left too soon.
You left when everything was just starting to fall into place.
You left before we could start "our" life.

I'm trying to let go.
I'm trying to forgive.
It's so hard.

I thought I'd found the one.
My soulmate, the other half of me.
I was wrong.

The person I want, would have fought for me.
Not slipped back into easy,
You took the easy way out.
Masked by what you thought was right.

You didn't want to fight.
You didn't want to dig your heels into the sand.

It's easy to blame the one who did the manipulating, the liar, the cheat, the bitch.

This was your choice, your decision.
I'm getting used to it.

It's easier everyday....letting go, letting go....XO

EXACTLY

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

FINDING THE BALANCE

Here I sit 2 days shy of the two year anniversary of my husband's death.  I am happy.  My kids are happy, I watch them laugh and carry-on and I take credit for that.  I feel like it's been my job to teach them that it is okay to be happy and yet still grieve at the same time.  It's balance.

Balance was something that came to me while I was enjoying my quiet house today (something which I NEVER thought I would enjoy), I still struggle with finding the balance.  It is something that shifts everyday and it's not always grief or happiness that sits at either end of the balance beam.  It is just life.

Demands placed on us everyday from different aspects, the wants, the needs and the fulfillment of those make balance a difficult thing to find.  There are certain areas of my life that have drastically changed over the last 2 years, I have learned to re-prioritize to help find the balance I need.

For awhile, I struggled to find the balance between getting up everyday and taking care of the kids and not spending all of my day crying, screaming or just being angry.  I was trying to manage work, kids, house, dogs, etc...it was all too much.   I lost so many things the day my husband died, the list would be endless, I tried to be all those things I shared with him. I tried to keep things as normal as I could for the kids and I, needless to say, all I did was stress myself out.

The stressed-out me made some changes, I learned to establish the difference between wants and needs.  What we "have" to do versus what we "want" to do and what "really needs" to be done.  I think the best example I can give is that my house does not need to be museum quality clean everyday but doing something for myself does.  It's hard as a mom/wife/girlfriend to do things for ourselves and not feel guilty.  I'm not talking about an all day "time for myself", just an hour or so and it doesn't matter when.  It is important to plan the time so that it doesn't go wasted on Facebook or talking to a friend on the phone (unless that time is planned! ;)).  I know I have found that a lot of our time goes wasted, I can be really good at it.  Which brings me back to balance, a good plan for the day, factoring a little time for ourselves and counting our blessings can make that walk across the beam a little easier.

Today, I am making my to-do list and prioritizing it.  I know that I have some planned gym-time in my future and I am counting that as my "me" time.  I have learned that my to-do list does not have to be a mile long and if it is, I need to be sure to keep it in balance with my real expectations.

I feel like I got a re-do on life.  I've learned so much about myself and others.  I have a whole new appreciation for the little things and not being so controlling.  I've learned to let things go.  It's tough to find the balance for appreciating life and the grief of losing someone.  I'm not saying I'm always at my best, I try my best.  I am a very clear "work-in-progress" woman with that walk across the balance beam getting easier everyday.

New Shoes = Motivation

Two and a half weeks ago I registered for the Suntrust half marathon.  I hadn't told that many of my friends, really, only three.  I started to put up road blocks even before I registered. Could I really do it?  Did I really want to?  It was the last thing Mark was training for before he died, I'd have that as a back up excuse, people would believe I just couldn't do it, too emotional.  I'd bought new shoes as a motivator and even those I'd had for a week.  I'd kept telling myself there was "too much going on".

As it turns out, I've been reading this book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Teens.  I know I'm not a teen.  I'm reading it as part of a summer reading project for Madison (it was suggested the parents read it, too).   Before I even got to the chapter that started about"The Habits", it talked about having a Personal Bank Account, ways to make deposits and withdrawals within ourselves.  On the list ways to make "deposits" were simple things like being honest, being kind, renew yourself, etc. and I have no problem doing those things.  The one that got me was "Keep promises to yourself".  Wow.  Something that simple.  Waking up everyday and setting out doing what you say you are going to do.  It's such a wonderful feeling of accomplishment and a great way to "make deposits into our personal bank accounts".  Our commitments mean nothing if we can't even keep them to ourselves.

It made me think about all the other books I've read and how you have to make yourself a priority, take care of you.  You are the only one who can make yourself happy, no one else.  I can't think of a better way to start the day then starting off making a deposit into your personal bank account.  Just doing what you said you were going to do.  It could be as simple as waking up when you say or not hitting snooze more than twice, or going for a run!

So, on my 3 mile run this morning, I thought about my inspirations.  I have people who inspire me to be greater and those people are people who are happy and follow through.  They get up every morning and set out to accomplish exactly what they want to accomplish and in the process, they make deposits and become better people, happy people.

It may not have been a great run this morning but it was a start, I can only get better.  And as I looked over at the shadow running next to me, I was reminded that that girl was strong and happy.  She could do anything she wanted, even run 13.1 miles.

Be accountable to yourself, first.  Don't be a victim.  Take charge of your life.  Be happy.

FULL OF LOVE FEBRUARY

“As the ocean is never full of water, so is the heart never full of love”  ~Unknown

A LITTLE LESS WORRY

Today I woke up thinking about how anxious and nervous I had always been.  It's crazy.  I would get so worked up over just about everything.  It would affect my sleep and I could be overwhelmingly OCD about things.  For example, I was thinking about this coming weekend.  I'm heading to Norfolk with one of my best friends to see one of my favorite musicians.  Normally, I would have directions printed out, the name of the hotel we are staying at and all my ducks in a row, neatly in a folder on the dining room table.  I would worry about leaving the kids and preparing them for wherever they may be staying for the night.  Instructions on how to care for them all written out and bags in the process of being packed.  None of that is done and it probably won't be until Friday morning.  And, there will be no instructions and everything will be just fine.  I will get a good night's sleep every night and not worry.

In the past 18 months I think it's the one thing that sticks out the most.  The lack of worry.  Don't get me wrong, I still worry over little things even though I try not to.  I get less anxious and less nervous about things.  I think when the absolute worst-case-scenario happens to you, it's one of the blessings on the flip side.  I spent my whole life worrying about the "what-ifs" and it did me no good.  I get to enjoy life a little more.  I get to be a little calmer and a lot more relaxed.  Everything is okay and just as it should be.

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.  ~Swedish Proverb

So, today, as I make my daily "to-do" list, I don't stress that everything might not get done.  I do my best, keep moving forward and enjoy the small things.

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY

"Happiness is to be found along the way, not at the end of the road, for then the journey is over and it is too late. Today, this hour, this minute is the day, the hour, the minute for each of us to sense the fact that life is good, with all of its trials and troubles, and perhaps more interesting because of them." — Robert R. Updegraff